Partnering Up, Partnering Off

Used to be, people would partner up – for the weekend, for six months, for a coupla years even. But you kinda sorta knew it wouldn’t be lasting forever. I mean, who in the US gets married straight out of college these days? Ok, fine, there are exceptions, usually relegated to geo regions like Texas (sorry Gemma) and the slightly more religiously inclined among us, but now, 4+ years after graduation, the landscape’s starting to change.

At dinner the other night, a friend lamented the fact that everyone around her seems to be ‘partnering up.’ That wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself, I countered. Everyone’s always been partnering up; now, however, they are taking it one step farther and partnering off. As in out of the game completely – at least until the first round of divorces kicks off when we hit our early thirties. Or should I say until the cheating that leads to the divorces gets a-going?

My younger brother’s still in college and recently referred to a female friend’s boyfriend as a ‘temporary obstacle,’ a ‘bump in the road.’ It’s a wonderfully optimistic perspective – one that he can still afford to have. It gets a little stickier later on – think Scarlett Johansson in  He’s Just Not That Into You. She gets involved with very hot but married Bradley Cooper because friend Drew Barrymore convinces her (over a manicure) that he might be the one. And if he is, of course he’ll leave his wife for voluptuous Scarlett (is that butt padding, or what?) He doesn’t end up leaving his wife, at least not voluntarily. He wants to have his cake and eat his girlfriend too.

Truth is, none of the above matters. Today, the key to both partnering up and partnering off is the strength of your online dating profile. Which means the real money isn’t in winning the rather random husband lottery, but in writing an algorithm that takes the qualities someone’s looking for in a mate and spits out an internet profile perfectly suited to catch that special someone’s eye.

It’s the era of the edge. Just as a resume’s no longer sufficient (you need a blog to give you an edge), you can’t just be fabulous, you need an online profile (be it on match, jdate or shaadi.com) to prove it.

Sexperimenting

Just a quickie about neologisms. I wrote a little while ago about fupas and flirtationships; ever since I’ve been on the lookout for words I’ve never seen before, and they are just popping up everywhere.

A friend recently sent me in the direction of a NY Times piece on Rev. Ed Young who encouraged his congregation of 20,000 in Grapevine, Texas to engage in a ‘sexperiment’ (seven days of sex) as a way of getting closer to god. (Don’t worry, he’s still an advocate of abstinence – for the premarital, he recommended chocolate cake as an alternative.) I baked brownies a week ago and have been eating at least one a day – thus far no indication that it’s bridging the gap between me and the almighty. Perhaps brownies don’t suffice as an alternative to chocolate cake?

Grey’s Anatomy coined ‘oncebian’ and ‘twicebian’…for the infrequent lesbian.

A Virgin Atlantic ad spoke of ‘airphoria.’ I think this can be used no matter the carrier. It’s pretty hard to have a good flight experience, especially if you’re relegated to economy (which most of us are), so it seems reasonable to describe a flight that doesn’t make you want to slit your wrists as airphoric. Or should we save the term for those exercising membership in the mile high club?

Chrismukkah. A convenient one for those whose fate is an interfaith relationship (or just another marketing gimmick), but it’s just made the national circuit given yet another White House gaffe. Invites to a White House Chanukkah reception this year bore an image of a Clydesdale-drawn Christmas tree en route to the White House’s front door, already adorned with a Christmas wreath. Nice to know someone’s looking after the details.

I like that language is so malleable. As long as you know your audience and your letters (and a little latin), you can be an inventor of words. For now though, I think I’ll stick to documenting (mockumenting) – a resident neologistorian.

Other People’s Love Letters

It’s a silly coffee table book, a little small in size, so its likely to go unnoticed by your weekend guest especially if you keep it hidden under other silly coffee table books (as Jon did). I randomly uncovered and started thumbing through Other People’s Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant to See about five minutes before leaving my weekend home. Slightly out of place in a bachelor pad, its premise was charming. Bill Shapiro (editor and introduction writer) reached out to an ever-growing network to solicit love (or un-love) letters from across the land. Scribbles on napkins, emails, dusty type-written letters hidden in attics, poems, notes on brown paper bags came flooding in. People keep their love letters. And wanted to share them with Billy, so he could share them with the reading public. Would you share your love letters with the world?

I recently received a lovely little ‘love’ poem that I wouldn’t have dreamed of posting on a blog but for the timely discovery of Jon’s coffee table book. In what is so often an all too serious world its lightness made me smile; perhaps it will have the same effect on you.

—–

My Burger King buddy – a love poem about a girl

Just the thought of her makes me hard
Standing beside her so nervous, my words come out like a retard

Her beauty and smarts far exceed anything I possess
All this and she is stunning in her cute little dress

And when I am in the mood
this girl will eat fast food!

In her presence, the sun shines brighter, the air a little purer
My god I’m getting horny – I just wanna do her

I look at her and want more and more
I feel like a little boy in a candy store

Her body like chocolate – so sweet
I want to lick her from her head down to her perfect feet

She is an angel – she is my angel – at least for now
Or for as long as the heavens will allow

From her dreamy eyes to her soft luscious lips
to her strong sexy hips
My friends you must admit
she is all that and a bag of chips

—–

It still makes me laugh. I reckon it would have made the 150 shortlist had the stars aligned time-wise. Everything else I got falls into the too-salacious-to-share category. Sorry.